![]() "Maybe it's not a zombie." Jane peered through the broken window on the other side of the door. "Are they still out there?" Bob asked Sally, crouched beside him in the trashed hotel room. The motel parking lot was black, and not even the moon cast enough light to see into the shadows. Let the stage direction add to the suspense of the scene and provide details that flesh out the setting instead of just sitting there. Use enough exposition to set the scene and make it clear who's talking, but not so much that it detracts from what's being said. The goal with dialogue and tags is to find a balance between them. (Here's more on proper dialogue placement) Every line of dialogue has a heavy tag, so instead of the description blending in, it jumps out because so much focus on it. It should be tense, but the extra text bogs the story down and makes it clunky to read. ![]() It's not horrible, but it's not good, and all that verbiage weakens the scene. "But that means going outside!"īob ignored Sally's funny look and patted Jane's hand. ![]() "Maybe I can get a better view from the second floor." "But I wouldn't want to leave someone out there either."īob sighed and rubbed his eyes. "No," Jane said, folding her arms across her chest. "You want to go out there?" Sally looked at Jane like she'd lost her mind. "Maybe someone is hurt and needs our help." "Maybe it's not a zombie." Jane crept up to the broken window and peered over Sally's shoulder. "Doesn't look like it, but I can hear something groaning." The motel parking lot was black, and not even the sliver of moon cast enough light to see into the shadows. "Are they still out there?" Bob asked Sally. All important things to flesh out a scene and bring it to life, but it's easy to go too far here as well. To fix this, it's not uncommon to add description, internalization, and stage direction. The sentences all sound the same so it reads choppy and unnatural. Flat, no rhythm, no sense of setting or pacing, no stage direction or internalization. But I wouldn't want to leave someone out there either," Jane said.īob sighed. "Doesn't look like it," she answered, "but I can hear something groaning." Just getting rid of tags isn't going to work because you still need readers to be able to identify who's speaking. Multiple-person scenes can be especially tough, because you need more tags than usual to make it clear who's speaking. It isn't until several lines down you even know who the other people in the room are. "Maybe I can get a better view from the second floor."Ĭan you figure out who is saying what and when? Probably not. But I wouldn't want to leave someone out there either." "You want to go out there?" Sally pointed outside. Maybe someone is hurt and needs our help." "Are they still out there?" Bob peeked out the window. You could eliminate them altogether, but then you might end up with something that looks like this: The harder they work, the less work you have to do to craft the scene. ![]() Too much stage direction feels clunky, not enough makes a scene unclear.ĭialogue tags work best when they're invisible-either by not drawing drawing attention to themselves or by blending in and doing more than just identifying the speaker. Having a character push back their hair or clench their hands clogs up the narrative after a bit and can even feel melodramatic. Nodded, shrugged, frowned, smiled can only be used so often. Dialogue tags are part of any story, but sometimes it can be a challenge to figure out how to keep them from feeling repetitive. ![]()
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